Letters To No One
by nithila
Summary: Epistolary. Highschool AU. Ryoma's psychiatrist makes him write letters to a stranger, and he agrees, but refuses to send them ever. / Revenge only gets us so far. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Either way, in the end, everything is in pieces.
1. Chapter 1

**Inspired by The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky. But it's totally unrelated to it. Also inspired by a PLAN.**

**I am aware that it sucks. **

* * *

**14/09/-**

Dear person,

I don't know why I'm doing this. There are so many better things I could be doing. Karupin's giving me her best death glare, so I assume she agrees with me. I bet you do, too. Whoever you are.

The psychiatrist says that I should talk to people more. Like that's going to happen. So instead, we compromised, and now I'm talking to you. I made her promise she wouldn't ask to read these letters.

I don't even know who you are. And you don't know who I am. And I doubt I'll send these stupid letters in the end, anyway, so that's not too big a problem. How this is 'talking to other people', I will never understand.

And I give up. This is boring. I have better things to do.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**16/09/-**

Dear person,

Yes, I know I said I'd given up. Unfortunately, the creepy psychiatrist woman figured it out. If I don't do this, she'll tell my parents to ban Ponta for 'medical reasons'. That is blackmail. It's illegal. Why can psychiatrists get away with anything?

Anyway. I've written an entire paragraph. That accounts for something.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**19/09/-**

Supposed friend,

I NEED MY PONTA.

NOW.

* * *

**20/09/-**

GET ME MY PONTA OR I'LL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN.

* * *

**20/09/-**

PONTA. I NEED. PONTA.

* * *

**21/09/-**

Dear friend,

I still need Ponta. I've decided to talk to you and get this over with, so that it can suddenly become not so bad for my health after all. I hate that woman, really. I don't even know how she figures out that I haven't written to you. She's like Fuji-senpai: dangerously psychic.

(This is stupid. We don't even know each other.)

I suppose I should tell you about my day. My day was normal. It was boring. Like always.

After school, I had to meet the creepy woman. I meet her every Friday. On other days, she sometimes calls to check up on me. Here would be the right time for you to wonder, 'Why does he need to meet a psychiatrist?' That would be an excellent question. One that I don't feel like answering. What I can do, is assure you that I am not dangerously unstable or anything - people just think I have issues.

So, when I went to meet her today, the waiting room was empty. I waited for a couple of minutes, and then she poked her head out of her office and called me in. After I'd settled on the sofa (which is really comfortable), she looked me over, smirked, and said, "Ponta is still banned." Heartless, she is.

After that she asked me a bunch of the usual trivial questions. How are you, how are your friends, how is your life, have you had any episodes lately, what do you think about the world…blah blah blah. She didn't attempt to mentally scar me today. Well, except for the whole Ponta thing. Which definitely counts.

I've written more than enough today, haven't I? Karupin's getting grumpy because I'm not talking to her. I'll write again tomorrow.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**23/09/-**

Dear friend,

I don't like homework. Do you like homework? I hope you don't. Or I may have to disown you.

I like staying home even less than I like homework. And I like school even less than I like staying at home. This proves to be a bit of a problem, seeing as my entire life more or less consists of school and home.

It was different when I played tennis. Back then I didn't mind school or home; I could play tennis in both. After I stopped, there was suddenly this horrible lack of things to do. And there was nothing I had in common with any of my friends anymore. It only occurred to me then that tennis was basically all I had in my life.

It doesn't hurt that I've stopped playing. I mean, I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. I just wasn't capable anymore, and it went to such a state that _playing_ was what hurt. So while quitting didn't hurt me, it hurt everyone around me, because they don't know who I am anymore. My dad was exceptionally horrified. It's a bit sad when you think about it. He threw away his entire career so that he could help with mine, and in the end, I'm not going to have one.

It hurt my teammates a lot, too. Eiji-senpai wouldn't stop crying over it, and Momo-senpai sulked for ages. But that was a long time ago. High school is different. The team split up, and now a lot of my schoolmates are people who used to be part of the rival teams, like Kirihara, Kintarou, and Yukimura-senpai. Tezuka-buchou isn't even in the country anymore. All that talk of how Seigaku would never be forgotten was stupid. Nobody really cares about things like that once they're over, do they? It's all fun while it lasts, and then everything fades out, and we become used to them being over. Momo-senpai, Eiji-senpai, and Fuji-senpai all go to the same school as me, too, and I haven't spoken to them in a week at least. Everything changes, everything ends, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

Maybe it does.

Or maybe it doesn't.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**24/09/-**

Dear friend,

I talked to Fuji-senpai today. We were both skipping classes on the roof. He's quit the tennis team, too, so now that's at least one thing we have in common. Actually, there's two. We both also skip classes on the roof.

Fuji-senpai is really easy to talk to, but at the same time, so difficult. He's like the psychiatrist woman. He knows everything that's going on in your head, and is always calculating your every move. It's kind of unnerving. He already knows the answer to every question he asks, and only asks to see if you'll tell him or not.

Recently, there's been something wrong with him. He's been kind of out of it. His eyes are always open, and he seems too tired to smile. I almost asked him what was wrong today, but I decided against it. It's not my business.

He didn't even notice that I'd come up to the rooftop for a very long time. I just sat by the door, watching him, and he stood at the railing, frowning to himself. After ten minutes, he noticed me, and he only frowned deeper.

Another minute passed like that.

When he finally spoke, he said, "I don't see you much anymore."

"Yeah."

"How are you?"

"Good."

"That's nice. Classes are fine?"

"Yeah."

The conversation was by now very pointless, and he seemed to notice that as well, so he fell silent and continued looking over the railing. When the bell rang, he smiled at me, ruffled my hair, and left.

Maybe I should have asked him what was wrong. But he wouldn't have given me a straight answer. I don't even know if we can call ourselves friends anymore. Why would he want to tell me?

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**25/09/-**

Dear friend,

Kirihara and Fuji-senpai fought in the corridors today. It ended badly. I'd tell you what happened, but Kirihara's banging on the door right now, so I have to go and let him in.

\- Ryoma

**(later)**

It's past midnight now. Kirihara just left - It took him this long to calm down. I'm actually surprised my mother didn't kick him out sooner. He cursed Fuji in every way he knew how, threw a few things across the room, and then sat in a corner and sulked.

It wasn't just a normal fight - it was an all out brawl. I thought they'd end up killing each other. If it wasn't for Yukimura senpai and my history teacher, they probably would have.

The entire situation is very awkward. Apparently, Kirihara noticed Fuji in the corridors, realized he was upset, and decided to get on his nerves, so he followed him around a while asking questions, like, "Did you fail a test?" and "Did your girlfriend dump you?" and "Do you miss Tezuka?" Fuji had been ignoring him initially, but then he flared up and flung his textbook at him, hitting him in the face. Kirihara, useless as he is, retaliated, and things simply proceeded from there.

Fuji-senpai's usually better at handling his irritation. Anyone would have expected Kirihara to have started the fight.

Those two have never liked each other from the beginning. People at school call them the 'Angel' and the 'Demon'. If you ask me, they're both demons. But one has a mask, and the other doesn't. That's probably why I trust Kirihara more.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**27/09/-**

Dear friend,

No one has killed anyone yet. As in, no one I know has killed anyone I know yet. The rest of the world is still more or less on a killing spree. Apparently around one thousand three hundred people are murdered per day. Creepy, isn't it? It's kind of weird how we hear about so many people who've died, but we never do. Logically, I could die in the middle of a sentence. What's to say my house won't explode? Or burn up? Or I go completely mental like people expect me to and burn things down myself?

The psychiatrist woman called today. She's finally established that I'm actually writing to you and am not just pretending. This Friday, she'll talk to my parents and remove the Ponta-ban. If I ever stop writing to you without her permission, it'll suddenly become 'bad for my health' again.

That woman.

The point I was trying to make, was that Kirihara and Fuji-senpai haven't killed each other yet. They've been avoiding each other, of course, but it's not like they usually don't, so no harm is done per say. Fuji-senpai's still been pretty out of it, though.

Oh, cool, Karupin just learnt how to open the window latch.

Wait a minute. That's not good.

Excuse me for a moment.

\- Ryoma

* * *

**The letters are short, yes. That's because he isn't used to the idea of writing letters yet. He will, eventually.**


	2. Chapter 2

28/09/-

I'm going to kill him. I need to kill him. I need to see his blood I need to watch him suffer _I need to kill him right now and show him that he can't get away with everything even though he thinks he can_

he's probably laughing to himself he probably thinks this is so funny and it probably makes him feel so freaking proud of himself Someone needs to show him that he can't always do whatever he wants and that he should just_ leave me alone_

I really need to make sure that he

* * *

1/10/-

Dear friend,

My weekend went over pretty badly. I spent pretty much the whole time at the psychiatrist's. Apparently I kind of lost my mind, so they had to call her over for help, and she decided she wanted me under her care for a while.

My mother is starting to get sick of me, I can tell. I can't really blame her. I wouldn't want to deal with me, either. My dad, on the other hand just seems really upset. On most days, he doesn't treat me any different than he usually does, unlike my mother, but on days like these, when I start to freak everyone out, he turns quiet and stalks me the whole time.

I've always felt sorry for my dad. He'd dreamed of so much, but he never really got anything.

You're probably still wondering what's wrong with me. To be honest, I don't know myself. My mother says I'm going crazy, my dad says I'm not, and my psychiatrist asks me disturbing questions and says, "And how do you feel about that?"

Speaking of my psychiatrist, she's un-banned Ponta. I'm drinking a can right now.

Anyway.

Tezuka-buchou sent me a letter today. He usually sends an email once a week, but today he actually sent a handwritten letter. It was strange, because he didn't say anything that different from what he usually says. Maybe his roommate killed his computer. Or he killed it himself. Or something.

He asked me specifically how Fuji-senpai was doing. I guess someone told him that he'd been down in the dumps.

Lots of people used to ask Fuji-senpai who his best friend was. He'd always smile brightly and tell them that it was Kikumaru-senpai. It was believable, because the two were at times inseparable. Strangely enough, they do have a lot in common. The next question would always be, "What about Tezuka?" to which he'd smile again and shrug. I found out pretty late that the two of them were in a relationship. After I found out, I was surprised that I hadn't noticed before. It seems so obvious when you think back on it.

I mean, Fuji-senpai never really cared about anyone as much as he cared about buchou. Whatever happened to him, he was always there. And he never worked so hard to drive anyone else so insane. I can't even count the number of times he stole his glasses, or mixed wasabi in his food, or taped pictures of Care Bears to his locker.

He was really upset when buchou decided to move. I remember him smiling at the airport like nothing was wrong, and buchou giving him all these worried looks before he left. And Oishi-senpai seemed ten times more worried than him, because that's what Oishi-senpai is he left, Fuji-senpai excused himself from the rest of us former Seigaku regulars and wandered off to who knows where.

He got over it eventually, though. Neither of them had a problem with a long distance relationship, so the only problem was that he missed him. But, well, he got used to the fact that his brother left the city, so I assume buchou leaving wasn't too big a problem.

And besides. Everyone cried and cried when our team broke up after middle school, but they're all doing just fine now. It isn't that difficult to stop missing someone when you part on good terms. It's when you don't that all the problems start. That's when you end up considering murder and torture and all the different ways of strangulation you can think of.

But strangulation isn't painful enough. He needs to bleed and die because he can't scream anymore and then he'll realize just what he does to everyone. No, he won't even then because that's just how little he cares about anything he'll just stand over it all and laugh like he always does_ because ruining people's minds is just so funny to him _

* * *

(Later)

Sorry. I shouldn't have started talking about that. I'll stick to buchou and Fuji-senpai.

Actually, there's nothing more to say about them. They miss each other, but they don't mope. Which is natural, considering how headstrong they both are. It would be weird if they did mope.

I can't even imagine buchou moping.

It's pretty funny to think about.

So, buchou wanted to know how Fuji-senpai was, and told me to tell him if he ever started acting strange. If a strange person acts strange, does that mean they're acting normal? Or exceptionally strange?

I should probably go to sleep. I have school tomorrow, and this is becoming ridiculous.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

3/10/-

Dear friend,

I met Fuji-senpai on the roof again today. This time he noticed me right away. He even smiled.

And then he told me that he broke up with buchou.

Or rather, buchou broke up with him.

Apparently he told him that he liked someone else, and had always liked someone else, and although he really liked Fuji too, it was about time that he was fair to himself and to Fuji and started being honest.

If he thought that was a noble speech, he was reeeally mistaken, because that's one of the lamest break-up speeches I've ever heard. And I've heard a lot, because Momo senpai used to get dumped on a daily basis.

I don't even see the logic behind it. I mean, why would he agree to a relationship if he already knew he liked someone else? That's just stupid. And mean. Pretending to love someone when you don't?

I used to respect him a lot. I still do, but he's just... wrong.

Why do I still call him buchou, anyway? It's been three years since he was team captain. It's been three years since I was even on a team.

I'm still not entirely sure why Fuji-senpai told me this. But it all makes sense now. That's why Tezuka asked me how Fuji-senpai was doing. That's why Fuji-senpai's been so depressed, and that's why he exploded when Kirihara asked him if he missed Tezuka.

When I went up to the rooftop, he was standing at the railing like he usually does. I settled next to the door like always, and he turned around and smiled brightly.

"How have you been, Echizen?"

I shrugged. He came over to sit on the ground next to me, leaning against the wall.

He stared straight ahead for a long while. "You know, Tezuka broke up with me," he said at last.

I don't remember what I said. It was something along the lines of 'What?'

He smiled a bit. "Apparently he likes someone else. He always has. He just didn't want to tell me." And then he explained Tezuka's supposedly noble speech. "It's extremely out of character for him," he said. "I can imagine him breaking up with me because our relationship wasn't accepted, or because he needed to concentrate more in school, but I never thought he'd end it like this."

It was true. He was right.

We sat in silence for a long while. I didn't know what to say to him, and he seemed content with that. Finally, a minute before the bell rang, he turned to look at me. He rarely closes his eyes these days, but they were closed this time.

"Do me a favour, Echizen," he said. I nodded at him slightly.

"If you ever fall in love - and I'm sure you will someday - don't trust that person."

"Senpai, that's a bit contradictory."

He smiled again, opening his eyes once more. "You'll see what I mean someday."

The bell rang, and he left.

Now it's two in the morning and I can't sleep.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**This was one epic fail of a chapter. Strangely, I don't really mind.**

**It should be noted that my writing in this story will probably be way different from what it's usually like, for two reasons. Firstly, while writing Ryoma's POV in first person is reasonable manageable, writing letters in his POV is not so easy, because I can't help but think that he'd be too lazy to write a lot of stuff. It would take him a long time to actually get used to writing down everything he thinks of on paper. Which is why he's ended up rather out of character. But I'll get used to it eventually, as will he. I hope.**

**Another reason is that I'm not editing this story half as much as I edit my others. I'm writing this purely as stress relief. There's just too much going on. So yes, this story may be very flawed. But it's still very important to me. Feel free to tell me what you think of it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**5/10/-**

Dear friend,

You should be honored. I've decided that writing to you is slightly less boring than my Math homework. Honestly, though, it's stupid. All it's doing is testing my ability to use a calculator. I know how to use a calculator, thank you very much. How else would I have survived this long?

Also, my parents aren't home today. They don't often trust me on my own, and the psychiatrist woman doesn't encourage them to, but sometimes my mom gets so fed up that she decides she wants a break, and my dad, after worrying and giving me a list of all the things I can't do, decides to accompany her. Sometimes they'd get Kirihara to come over to keep me company (I have no clue why he's considered more stable than me) or Yukimura (which is a more logical decision). But not today.

So, I'm on my own. Well, Karupin's still here. But she's mad because I yelled at her for trying to jump out the window. I'm not apologizing.

Anyway.

You know what the only good thing about high school is? It's that no one knows who you are.

In middle school, everyone knew who I was. There was an entire gang of creepy stalkers who'd follow me around all day. But I'd stopped playing tennis a year before high school, and not that many of my present schoolmates had known me when I did, so most people here don't know who I am.

The weird thing is that there are so few people that everyone knows about. Yukimura senpai, of course, everyone knows. He's Student Council president. Fuji-senpai, because he's just that type of person. Kirihara, because he's probably broken more school equipment than has ever been broken before. A few other people who I don't really talk to, like some of the guys on the basketball team. On the whole, most people don't know most people. And even if they do, they couldn't care less about you.

That's why making friends in high school is so difficult. Everyone closes up, everyone wants to stay safe. The friends that I have are only my friends because a) they knew me before, or b) they're just weird.

It's difficult for Kintarou to _not_ try and befriend someone, and he started following me around once we were put in the same class, so I never really had a choice when it came to him. What surprised everyone was Kirihara. No one ever expected us to end up as friends. Neither did I. He freaking broke my knee - I wasn't going to forgive him for that. We were enemies for life.

I guess things started changing after that match at the training camp, after An pushed him down the stairs. I didn't pity him for that. He deserved it. And when he vowed to have changed, and promised that he'd never hurt anyone again, it wasn't like I really believed him. Who knew how many times he'd promised the same thing before.

The problem was, that no one else believed him, either. You can't blame us, because most of us had been injured pretty badly in matches against Kirihara. Everyone was too angry to even give him a chance, and that hurt him a lot. And, well, I had nothing better to do, and I didn't mind playing a match, so I gave him a chance. And it turned out he had changed. His entire playing style changed. He's never served a Knuckle serve after that.

Of course, that didn't make us best friends forever or anything. We respected each other, that was all. And that was all we wanted it to be. What we didn't expect, was to end up in the same highschool. To almost always end up in detention together. For Yukimura senpai to drag us around the city afterwards. For Momo senpai to start ditching me after school, and for Kirihara to always be there instead. For him to find out about everything without even meaning to, simply by being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I suppose that made us best friends.

Momo-senpai was fine with it. Fuji-senpai wasn't. He didn't trust Kirihara at all. But then we started talking less and less, and eventually he wasn't around enough to lecture me about my choice of friends anymore.

My dad loves Kirihara. My mom is wary of him, but she doesn't dislike him. Karupin hates him.

Speaking of Karupin, she's still sulking. Maybe I should try making up with her.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**6/10/-**

Dear friend,

Fuji-senpai is either weird, lonely, or up to something evil. The first and third are part of his usual state of mind, so, according to Yukimura senpai, he's just lonely. I do not agree. I think that he's out to destroy the world somehow and is following me around to gather facts and details that might help him in doing so. But whatever it is, he's been stalking me all day.

It isn't disturbing, exactly. It's just really suspicious.

(I'm writing this in the middle of English class.)

The day started off pretty normally. I rode my bike to school alone, and halfway there, Kintarou nearly crashed into me. He usually gets to school before me, because he's on the tennis team, but apparently he didn't have practice today. So then we rode to school together.

Surprisingly, we weren't late. I actually had ten minutes before my first period. I met Fuji-senpai in the hallway, and he smiled brightly at me and walked with me to class. Neither of us said much. It was good to see him smiling though. He seems to have come out of his depression.

I slept through first period. And the second. I stayed awake for Math, because Math is nice. And because I wouldn't have been allowed to sleep anyway.

Then there was lunch. Usually, I eat with Kirihara, or Kintarou. But today the remnants of Seigaku dragged me away, and I sat with Momo-senpai, Eiji-senpai, and Fuji-senpai.

I didn't like it.

I didn't dislike it, either, but I didn't like it. It was uncomfortable and felt faked. I understand that Momo senpai didn't feel close to me after I quit tennis. It was possibly my fault. I pushed everyone away, and I'm aware of that. He doesn't have to pretend that we're still best of friends for my sake, because I know we're not. I don't even want to be anymore.

Eiji-senpai, too. We barely talk, and it doesn't bother him. He doesn't need to say that he misses me so much and pretend he cares.

Fuji-senpai is natural. He knows where he stands with me, and I know where I stand with him. We both know our friendship fell apart.I still like all of them. I still like them all a lot, because they were my first real friends. But we're just not that close anymore.

Apparently the whole having-lunch-together business was Fuji-senpai's idea. I should have known. I left early,, saying that I had homework to finish. The other two were happy to believe it, and I went straight to class.

Which is where I am now.

**(Later)**

I'm home. Karupin likes me again. All is well. Not really.

Fuji-senpai caught up with me on the way home today. There was a large group of people waiting to accompany him, but he waved them away and said that there was something he had to do. We walked in silence for a long time. He didn't tell me what the problem was, and I didn't push him. He wasn't smiling anymore. "I'm sorry," he said at last, and he sounded perfectly honest for once.

"Why are you sorry?"

"I know lunch was awkward. Those two really do miss you. They just don't know how to express it."

I made a face at him. "Senpai, it's fine. Things don't have to be the way they were in middle school."

He frowned. "That's not the point. I know we all fell apart, but we don't have to stay that way."

"We don't, yes, but it's a lot easier."

For a second, he seemed irritated. "You don't care at all, do you?"

"I don't see why this is happening now. You were all fine with not talking to me for months together, so why does it bother you all of a sudden?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that you were the one who pushed us away?"

"I know I did. But that doesn't make it any less your fault. It's not like you talk much to Momo senpai, either, and he didn't push you away."

Fuji's frown deepened. Even in middle school, I always managed to get on his nerves. High school only made it worse.

For a moment he looked like he was holding in a nasty retort, but then he shook his head and sighed. "I'd forgotten how infuriating you could be."

I shrugged. I didn't feel insulted.

"Okay," he said, "I'll put this simply. I want to be friends again. I've already lost Tezuka - I don't want to lose anyone else."

Trusting Fuji-senpai is already difficult. It doesn't help that I have trust issues. "You can't become friends simply by deciding to, senpai."

He smiled at that. "We'll see, ne?"

This guy and his creepily foreboding retorts will some day be the death of someone.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**Well, surprise surprise. The next chapter is already written. I would probably write the entire story today if I were allowed to, but I have homework. **

**I apologize if Ryoma is still out of character. I have to keep going back and rewriting stuff to make it sound more like him. This is why I should write first person more often.**


	4. Chapter 4

**And here, for the first time in history, I've published two chapters on the same day! It usually takes a month. Or seven months. Or a year. Or it just doesn't happen. Ah, well. Tada anyway.**

* * *

**7/10/-**

Dear friend,

Have you ever read Will Grayson, Will Grayson? It's a most disturbing book. I'm not entirely sure why I read it. I started it this evening, and I couldn't stop till I finished it. It's now well past midnight.

Wait, that means the date is the 8th. Not the 7th.

Now I have to hide it. If my parents see it, they'll immediately tell the psychiatrist what I was reading, and she'll look it up and think about a hundred and fifty reasons as to why I might have decided to read it. Nosy stalkers.

Fuji-senpai is really determined for us to all be friends again. I wish he would just give up. It's starting to get on my nerves. It's also getting on Kirihara's nerves, because, if Fuji-senpai is around, Kirihara can't be around. Well, he _can_, but his ego won't allow it.

I'm not going to eat with them tomorrow. I'll go lock myself up in the bathroom if it comes down to it. I am sick of people pretending.

And I'm also sleepy.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**8/10/-**

Dear friend,

I did not hide in the bathroom. I did hide on the rooftop. I didn't think it would bother them so much. Actually, I didn't even think they'd figure out that I was hiding and wasn't busy. But they did, and they were angry. Or at least, Momo senpai was.

I don't want to talk about this right now.

I was a mess when I came home and got sent straight to the psychiatrist. That's where I am now. It's a problem when your psychiatrist is your mom's good friend, you get sent to her for everything. She's sitting at her desk in front of me right now, making sure I write down everything that happened. I don't want to. I really don't want to. I just want to sit in a corner and go to sleep.

She won't listen to me. She never listens to me. No one does.

Momo-senpai hunted me down after lunch, and snapped. "Would you stop being so selfish for once?"

I didn't speak.

"We're all working so hard to get Fuji-senpai back to normal, and all you can think about is yourself."

I still didn't speak.

"Why do you think we're all hanging out together? He thinks that this'll help him forget about Tezuka. But you, no, you're too awesome to help anybody. You're not the only person in the world who has ever had a hard time, okay. Quitting tennis was hard for you. Understood. But two years? You're going to sulk over it for two years?"

I can't talk back when I'm upset. I have so many things to say, but if I start I'll start crying, and I'm so used to not crying that my mind won't let me speak.

"I put up with it for a long time. I thought you'd get over yourself eventually, and would finally see that you didn't have to close up for the rest of your life, but you never did. And I guess I gave up on you. It's been so long, and you still haven't changed."

I wanted to tell Momo senpai that he had no idea. All he knew was that I'd quit tennis. He didn't know why. He didn't know what happened. He didn't know what was still happening, about how I went out of control so often, about the psychiatrist, about how if I thought about things too long I ended up being a mess for days together. He doesn't know how hard it is to keep moving day after day without ever letting yourself pause and think because as long as you don't think things will be fine. Kirihara knew without me telling him. Momo senpai never even asked.

But I didn't say any of this to him. I just stood there until he left. And then I turned around and came home.

Curse you, Fuji-senpai. Tezuka. Momo senpai, Eiji-senpai, Ryoga and every other person I've met. Curse all of you.

Curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, CURSE YOU. DIE.

* * *

**9/10/-**

I didn't go to school today. I was too tired. I stayed home and watched TV instead.

Kirihara came over after school. He asked me if something was wrong. I told him no. He didn't believe me, but we sat and played video games together anyway. He stayed till dinner, and then kicked himself out. Almost once he left, Fuji-senpai came over.

"I heard Momoshiro snapped at you," was his way of greeting. I had no intention of talking about that again, so I told him that he heard right, thanks for checking, have a good night, good bye. He was unperturbed by my attempt to get rid of him and remained standing on the door step, staring straight at me. He's still taller than me. When he stares at you, his eyes are sharp and clear.

"Is that why you didn't come to school?" He asked slowly.

I snorted. "Don't be ridiculous."

He smiled slightly, amused. I don't understand how his brain works. "Momoshiro was wrong," he said at last. "I didn't want us to spend time together because I missed Tezuka. I do miss Tezuka, yes. But I'm not going to mope over someone who never cared about me."

"Okay."

"You do remind me a bit of him, though. Only you aren't as stone faced. That's a good thing. More than one stone face is too much for the world to handle."

"Right." I wasn't sure if I was being insulted.

"That aside, having lunch together everyday was a bad idea. You and Momoshiro have issues with each other that you haven't sorted out yet. I shouldn't have forced you together so soon."

"Why are you even telling me all of this?" Why did he tell me anything, for that matter.

He shrugged, and looked at me for a moment.

I waited.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" He said abruptly, ignoring my question altogether.

I stared at him. "Huh?"

"Do you want to go somewhere?" He repeated dutifully.

Well. "…Huh?"

He sighed. "Really, Echizen, it's not that difficult to understand. I'll repeat it again, slowly. Do. You. Want. To. - "

"I know what you're saying!" I just didn't _get_ what he was saying.

"Anywhere. Let's just go somewhere. Right now."

"Fuji-senpai, you're not making much sense."

He leaned past me and called into the house. "Echizen-san! This is Fuji Syusuke. Could I take a walk with your son?"

My mother loves Fuji. She thinks he's the sweetest, most polite person on the planet. So she immediately ran over, greeted him, and gave us full permission to do as we pleased.

So we went for a walk.

"What exactly is the point of this?" I asked him.

He ignored my question again. "Do you take part in Phys. Ed?" He asked.

"Sometimes." It depends on the activity. I take part in track events. I have special permission to escape anything else.

"You can still run, right?"

"Obviously."

"Good. I'll race you to the park." And he took off.

"Wait, what?" It took me a moment to realize what was happening, and in that moment Fuji sped way past me. I cursed and chased after him.

It reminded me of when we were younger, and we'd run laps for buchou. Inui-senpai would stand at the finish line with a bottle of glinting stuff and grin sadistically. We'd run because our lives depended on it. This was different. This was exhilarating. The stars were out, the streets were empty, and the only sound was our footsteps echoing. He was far ahead of me, running without even trying.

I shouted to him that this wasn't fair, but he laughed it off and increased his pace. I had to shut up to try and catch up. He was smiling the whole way. When I finally reached the park, I found him standing there, not tired in the least, looking immensely proud of himself. I all but collapsed in front of him, panting heavily.

"I hate you," I told him.

He sat down next to me. "Admit it. It was fun."

Strangely enough, it was. I hadn't run like that in months. But I wouldn't admit it.

We sat for a while staring up at the stars. "Do you miss Seigaku?" He asked quietly.

I thought it over. I missed what life used to be like. I missed being considered stableminded. But I didn't miss Seigaku. I just missed the normalcy that came with it.

"Not really," I told him. I expected him to be irritated, but he nodded.

"Me neither," he said. "It was fun, yes, but I moved on. So did everyone else." He frowned. I assumed he was thinking about Tezuka. "What do you say I take over the world?" He asked, entirely out of context.

"That is entirely out of context," I told him.

"I know. But what do you say?"

"For the sake of the world, senpai, please don't."

His entire expression softened at that. I really don't understand his brain. "That's exactly what you said last time," he said.

I had no idea what he was talking about. I asked him, but he wouldn't tell me. I thought about it after I came back home, and I think I sort of remember now.

Fuji-senpai was the last person I befriended on the team. We were never on bad terms, but we weren't quite friends, either. And then one day, we ended up getting in trouble with Ryuuzaki-sensei for something I don't even remember, and had to stay back and clean the courts. All by ourselves.

I was sulking. And cursing the management. And the government. And the world. Fuji-senpai didn't seem too bothered until we found out that Inui's juice had stained a court badly. It took us ages to clean it up, and at the end we collapsed and railed at the planet a bit longer.

"What do you say I take over the world?" He'd asked at one point.

I guess I'd replied the same way.

That was the first time we spent so much time together, and sort of, kind of became friends. I guess he was trying to make a point today. What it was, I'm not so sure.

\- Echizen Ryoma

**(Later)**

Atobe sent me a message. He wants to meet me tomorrow. I nearly threw my phone out the window.

I won't go.

* * *

**Well. **

**The problem with this story is that I get so emotional while writing it. When Ryoma's upset, I get upset. When he wants to kill, I want to kill. It's kind of creepy. But I like it a lot.**

**I said before that this story was flawed. It really is. But I won't rewrite it.**

**Also, as predictable as the plot may seem, it will not proceed as expected. Trust me. Also also, Atobe and Ryoma WERE NOT, and ARE NOT in a relationship. Just in case you were wondering. Actually, Atobe wasn't supposed to be part of the story at all. It was supposed to be Ryoga. But somewhere along the way he just popped into my head, and he's so arrogant and headstrong that he fit the part perfectly. **

**I hope you liked it. Please tell me what you think. Also, thank you to the people who have supported this story so far.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm sorry this took so long. From hereinafter, I shall post a chapter a week. Hopefully. I'm planning on it, at least. That's a start, right?**

**It took so long because I forgot I was writing this as stress relief and wrote about fifteen different versions trying to make it better.**

* * *

**15/10/-**

Dear friend,

People think that when you look at a childhood friend, you see your entire history with them flashing by you; that you feel nostalgic and sentimental and what not. They're very wrong. When I see Atobe, I don't see us running around his mansion with my brother. I don't see us 'splashing through the creek' or 'playing at the park'or whatever it is that I'm expected to see. If he's lucky, I see his ugly face. If he's unlucky, I see a lot of red.

But if I look at him long and hard, there are only two memories that really stick out.

"_You're better than your brother could ever be." _That was what he said, word for word. I'd believed him back then. Dubiously, but I still believed him.

And then, after my brother's funeral, when he was shouting in the rain: _"If you'd accepted you'd never beat him, he wouldn't have died."_

I haven't mentioned that, have I. My brother is dead, all thanks to me. He died three years ago and nothing's been the same since.

People say it's not my fault to make me feel better, but Atobe always makes it clear that it is. I didn't meet him yesterday. He tried to call a couple of times and sent a few annoyed texts, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not looking for trouble. I'm not going to go meet him just so that he can make things worse. Last time was bad enough.

I shouldn't think about this.

When my brother was alive, he obsessed over oranges, weird girls and tennis. Not in that order. He was a lot taller than I'll ever be. And if he was still alive, he would have been a year older than Fuji-senpai.

When I couldn't sleep at night, I'd sneak into his room. He'd always be wide awake, cutting out strips of paper and folding them into stars. He did this every night and never got bored of it, and I never got bored of watching him.

"Couldn't sleep, Chibisuke?" he'd ask, barely looking up. He never bothered to force smiles at night. That was an offence reserved purely for daylight.

I'd settle next to him on the bed. He folded these stars expertly, way better than the girl who'd taught him did. "What are you doing?"

"I'm making Sirius." Or Canopus. Or Polaris. Or whatever random star he felt like making at the moment. "You wanna help?"

My job was simple. All I had to do was label the stars, in a small corner, because Ryoga's handwriting sucked more than I sucked at making stars. Then he'd drag out his desk chair and climb on to it, using string and tape to hang each star in its position on the ceiling, in clusters and constellations and whatever else those formations were called.

His ceiling was dark blue. He wanted it to resemble the sky.

"We'll make enough one day," he'd say. "We'll make so bloody many of them that we won't have to wait for shooting stars to make wishes anymore."

When he moved out, I watched him take them down, one by one, and put them into a box. He saw me looking and hesitated, but then he took them all down anyway.

"You won't miss them, Chibisuke," he'd said cheerily. "Just like you won't miss me."

I didn't bother telling him he was wrong. I wasn't even sure if he was back then.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**18/10/-**

Dear friend,

You would think I have nothing to do, what with the abnormal number of letters I write to you. If you did, you would be right. I don't have anything to do at all. At present I'm sitting on my windowsill and writing this on my lap, to make sure Karupin doesn't jump outside. I can't even open my window in peace anymore.

Fuji-senpai just left. He's getting along with my mother exceptionally well. She's actually cheerful when he's around. In fact, he makes our family act like a normal-functioning family.

I think that is the problem. When Nanako was around, we functioned fine. When Ryoga was around, we functioned better. My parents really just need someone older wandering around so they can forget about me for a while, and that's what Fuji-senpai has proved to be in the past week. He can debate with my dad on weird topics, help my mom in the kitchen (which I thought would be dangerous, but the food's turned out fine) and then helps me with my homework. Even Karupin likes him.

It's kind of unnerving that he's around so much. I don't actually know what to think of it. I mean, he's nice to have around, but I can't help but think he has some ulterior motive.

I think I'll ask him about it. It's only around ten - I'll send him a message.

'_Why are you stalking me?'_

That wasn't very subtle, was it.

'_It's only called stalking if the other party isn't willing.'_

'_And I seem willing how?'_

'_Really, I'm not that oblivious. Or stupid, for that matter.'_

'_But this is just suspicious.'_

He isn't replying.

It's been ten minutes. I think he thinks I realized his plan and is frozen in shock of my psychic abilities.

'_You don't quite understand the concept of making friends, do you.'_

I don't think I'll reply to that.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**19/10/-**

Dear friend,

Fuji-senpai turned up at the doorstep this morning. Today's a Saturday, by the way. I opened the door for him, and he smiled and said, "I'm curious."

"Huh?"

"I'm curious as to what makes you think that anyone who wants to be friends needs an ulterior motive."

"I didn't say everyone did. I just said you did."

"Good to know you think so highly of me. Can I come in?"

I let him in, he announced his arrival to my parents, and then followed me up to my room. It was more of a mess than usual, because Kirihara had spent last night pretty much trashing it.

He paused. "This looks…pleasant."

"I know."

"Tornado?"

"Nope."

"Cat on sugar high?"

"Nope."

"Cacti on drugs?"

"…what?"

He smiled mysteriously and didn't say anything. I hopped around the mess and sat on my bed, and he sat on my desk chair and continued to stare at the mess.

"Have you spoken to Momoshiro yet?"

"Nope."

"Monosyllabic today, aren't we."

I shrugged. He continued staring at the mess, and it was starting to unnerve me.

And then his smile dropped and he inhaled sharply, eyes widening in shock. "That's Tezuka's handwriting."

He was looking at the letter - the one buchou had sent that week when his computer wasn't working. I guess Kirihara had thrown it across the room along with everything else. Fuji-senpai looked positively horrified, like buchou's handwriting alone was enough to turn everything he knew upside down.

"Uh, yes."

He turned to me, furious. I didn't know why he was so angry. "You're still in touch?"

"…he emails once a week."

For a moment he looked almost…frightening. Almost possessed. And then he closed his eyes and breathed deeply. When he opened them again the moment had passed and he was calm. "I'm sorry about that."

"You're not over him."

He laughed softly. "Of course I'm not over him. Six years, Ryoma. Six years and he ends it saying he'd never felt the same. That's not so easy to forget."

He didn't even notice that he'd called me by my first name. He was that far out of it. He stared at the letter a bit longer, and then he sighed and stood to leave. "I'm sorry. I think I'll go for a walk."

I wanted to help, but I didn't know how. He seemed so…disoriented.

I think I told him to wait, and he turned a bit to face me. I didn't know what to do after that, maybe accompany him? Or tell him not to go? And then he smiled, eyes softened, and said, "It's okay, really. I'm fine."

And then he left.

For some reason, while I sat there, I could imagine my brother leaving the room in the same way. Maybe it had happened before. _'I'm fine, really,'_ he would have said. _'And it's not like you care.'_ And then he would have forced a smile, because that's what he did in the mornings.

It's annoying how everyone tries to hold in their emotions. It never does anyone any good.

But I guess I'm not one to talk.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**21/10/-**

Dear friend,

Did you know that Yukimura-senpai plays the piano? You probably didn't. Not even Kirihara did, and he's probably stalked him his whole life. He's actually sulking about not-knowing right now. It's kind of funny.

The only person who knew was Sanada, and I don't even know where he is. He's still in Japan. I know that much.

The reason I mentioned this was that there's a talent show coming up at school, and the seniors are pretty serious about it because it'll get them extra credit. Yukimura-senpai generally sticks to activities off stage, like painting, but for the sake of credit he confessed that he plays the piano, and broke Kirihara's heart. He's convinced that Yukimura-senpai's made this up as an elaborate way of telling Kirihara that he doesn't know enough about him and therefore isn't good enough for him. I mean, what?

Kikumaru-senpai said he's doing some gymnastics routine with his friends. I think that includes Momo-senpai, but I didn't ask. Fuji-senpai will be participating as well, but he hasn't decided what to do yet.

Kintarou insists that the two of us participate. I think he's crazy. He said we could probably show off our brilliant yo-yo skills or something. Neither of us _have_ brilliant yo-yo skills. Or even acceptable yo-yo skills. If that isn't something to be ashamed of, nothing is.

That got me thinking about what I was good at. So far my list is very simple: I can get on people's nerves, I can sleep a lot, and I can teach Karupin to roll on her back.

I am so talented.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**Review?  
**

**We're kind of getting past back story and getting closer to the plot, now.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I was stuck in a flood. The ground floor is ruined. Most people have it a whole lot worse. **

**Things are finally getting back to normal. I just thought I'd post this.**

* * *

**26/10/-**

Dear friend,

There is a set of blocks in my closet.

I'm not sure where they came from. They're wooden, and have letters of the alphabet, numbers, or cartoon pictures on the sides. Maybe I used them when I was younger for the sake of my education.

I took them out today and dumped them on the floor.

I put one block on top of another. And then another on top of that. And another on top of that. And another, and another, and another.

And another, and another, and another, and another and another and another and another.

And then they all came crashing down.

I tried again, and the same thing happened. Again, and again, and again.

Now my room is even more of a mess and I'm too lazy to pick anything up.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**27/10/-**

Dear friend,

I really don't know what to write these days. Everything is so confusing.

Three days ago was my brother's death anniversary. Some of my relatives came over. They all looked sad. I even hung around for a while. Then I left.

There's a tennis court miles away from our house that almost no one uses anymore. Now it's in such a state that no one could use it if they tried. It's much closer to where Ryoga used to live than it is to here, which was the only reason he'd ever wanted to meet there, when he was alive.

I went there, three days ago. It's a long trip – almost two hours. I took the train alone. I tried reading on the way, but it was hard to focus, so I stopped.

Once I got off the train, I had to find my way through a lot of dark alleys to find the court. I usually get lost very easily, but never when I'm going here. After about ten minutes of walking, I was there.

Atobe was waiting for me.

On any other day that would have been enough to make me turn around and go back home, no matter how far away it was. But I was so tired. And it was cold. And I didn't have the energy to be angry.

"You come here every year," he said, as means of explanation. "It wasn't hard to figure out you'd be here today as well."

I nodded and collapsed on a bench. He sat down next to me.

We both stared straight ahead.

I sat on this same bench three years ago, waiting for Ryoga. It was raining, and if I'd had half a brain I would have gone home. But I didn't. In the end, he didn't come, Atobe did. Atobe, who almost wordlessly pulled me into his car and drove to the hospital.

I'd been afraid to ask him what was wrong. I'd refused to go with him at first, but he snapped that my brother _wasn't coming, _which made it clear that something was very wrong.

It wasn't raining this day. It was just very, very cold. And both of us were quiet.

To most onlookers, Atobe would have seemed fine, but in reality he was a mess. I could only tell because I've known him for so long. His fingers were clenched tightly and his eyes were unfocused. His clothes weren't ironed, which was a new low.

Of course he was a mess. Ryoga had been his best friend. The three of us had done everything together. If he'd dared to not be a mess I'd have punched him in the face.

I couldn't hate him this day, because what could I be mad at? The fact that he'd been mad that my brother was dead?

Sometimes I could imagine that if I waited here long enough my brother would turn up. We sat there for hours together. He didn't turn up. Atobe left after a couple of hours. He almost offered to take me home, but then he remembered not to.

I don't know how long I stayed there, or even what I was doing. It's a big blank in my mind. But before I knew it, it was dark, and Kirihara was standing above me.

I looked at him, and I don't know if I cried. I don't want to ask.

He'd made a two hour train journey to come find me, and spent another two hours to get us back home. When we got back, my mother was carving a third tally mark on the front door.

Kirihara stayed the night.

At around two in the morning, Fuji-senpai called me. Kirihara had stayed awake for as long as possible, but he'd finally passed out. He slept like a log while my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Echizen?"

"Yeah?"

His voice was quiet, strained. Like he was trying to reign in something horrible. "I – I didn't know about your brother."

We were both quiet for a long while. I could hear his tense breathing on the other end of the line. "Of course you didn't, senpai. I didn't tell any of you."

"I didn't know," he repeated again. "I...I don't know if I can do this anymore."

"What?"

"I had no idea," he said again, seeming more upset by the second. "I promise."

"Senpai, what are you talking about?"

And then he hung up. Just like that.

When I saw him the next day he pretended it never happened.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**29/10/-**

Dear friend,

School is getting harder and harder to deal with. No one even pretends to be human anymore. We're all aliens running around and pretending that it's just fine.

I had detention for the first time in weeks today. Apparently I didn't do my chemistry homework. Not my fault. I didn't even know I _had _chemistry homework.

Usually, when I have detention I have Kirihara for company (since he has detention almost every day – mostly because he's given three or four weeks worth of it at a time), but today he was, miraculously, missing. Which meant I had to walk home. Which was all very annoying.

I found Fuji-senpai at the gate. He pops up everywhere these days. He still refuses to explain the point of freaking out at two in the morning, but otherwise he's returned to normal.

"I'm coming home with you," he told me.

"Why?"

"Just because."

"...okay."

And so he came home with me. It wasn't out of the ordinary. We didn't talk much on the way home. Which also wasn't out of the ordinary. When we got home he talked a lot to my mother, which made her happy. My dad was nowhere around.

Once he was done ensuring he was still on best terms with my mother, we left her in the kitchen. Then he turned to me.

"I'm going to ask you a question," he said seriously. His eyes were closed, but he wasn't smiling. That's actually become his standard expression these days. "If it's not acceptable, just tell me."

"...okay."

"I'm going to ask if I can see your brother's room."

Out of all the things he could have said, that was what I expected the least.

"Why?"

"Is it not okay?"

"No, that's not it..."

He nodded. "That's good."

I gave up on understanding him and decided to just show him the stupid room. I didn't want to. Not really. But I wanted to explain that to him even less.

He trailed behind me up the stairs. We stopped at the room right next to mine. There used to be a piece of paper taped on the door: _This room is the absolute territory of Echizen Ryoga. Do not enter unless you desire extraordinary peril. _It should be noted that it didn't _actually _say 'extraordinary', it said 'extrordinary', and that it was a miracle that he even got that much right.

Of course I'd always just entered anyway. And now there wasn't even a note trying to stop me. So I pushed the door open and went in.

The room was full of boxes. Boxes and boxes of all the stuff he'd ever owned. We'd just dumped it all back in his room after everything.

Fuji-senpai stared at it all, his expression blank. He was one of the few friends I'd had who'd known Ryoga. Liked him, even.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, staring at the walls. The ceiling is still dark blue, in an attempt to resemble the night sky. The paint is faded and peeled off in too many places where my brother tore off the tape holding the stars up.

"What was on the ceiling?" Fuji-senpai asked, noticing what a mess it was.

"Stars," I told him. And to make my point, I opened one of the bigger boxes, covered in dust, and showed him the hundreds – or maybe thousands? – of paper stars inside.

It's not easy to surprise Fuji-senpai, but this was more than enough. He settled on his knees next to me and stared at the sheer number in the box. "I don't believe it," he said. "That's...amazing."

"He had nothing else to do," I felt the need to point out. "He was practically jobless."

Fuji-senpai shook his head. "I can't believe he managed this."

I shrugged, shut the box, and stood to leave. I was thirsty. I needed Ponta.

And then out of nowhere he said, "You know, I'm pretty good with constellations. I could help you put them back up."

That...really caught me off guard. His eyes were open. He looked sincere.

"Do you want to?" he asked slowly, watching me searchingly.

I'd spent months after the funeral trying to put them back up, following pictures on the internet and books and what not. I'd never managed. I'm the reason the ceiling is even more of a mess now.

I could actually never decide between putting the stars back up and throwing them all out the window.

"It's a lot of boring work," I told him. "It took him ages, and that was _in spite_ of him having nothing to do. It's your final year. You wouldn't have much time."

I think I was speaking faster than usual, but Fuji-senpai didn't say anything for a while. He picked up small clusters of stars and let them fall back into the box.

"I'd do it for you, if you want me to," he said at last. "Do you want me to?"

Of course I do.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**I'm losing touch, aren't I.**


	7. Chapter 7

**So, I have surprising news.**

**This story is complete. I've finished writing the rest of the chapters. I'm not posting them just yet, but they're finished. Everything will be up by the end of the week at least.**

**Thank you to the anonymous reviewer (who called themselves 'may'), who gave me the motivation to write this again! **

* * *

5/11/-

Dear friend,

Fuji-senpai wasn't joking when he said he was good with constellations. It's been less than a week, and one fourth of the ceiling is almost covered. He seems to enjoy it, too. Usually he hums while he works.

I do the highly difficult jobs, like, say, passing the scissors. I'm always so useful.

He comes over every day after school, and only leaves at around 9 PM. I felt guilty for a while, because he's a final year, but he just looked at me like, _'are you serious, I'm Fuji Syusuke.' _Which sadly does explain things. He probably doesn't study at all, and he still keeps up with Yukimura-senpai.

Kirihara stayed away for most of the week, because of Fuji, but today he was so bored that he decided to risk it. No one even announces it when Kirihara enters the house anymore, so I didn't know he was here until I heard a 'wow' behind me.

Fuji-senpai was startled a bit. Then he saw who it was and just went back to what he was doing. Which was looking at star formations on his laptop.

Kirihara's eyebrow twitched a bit, but he was too caught up with the ceiling. "Wow," he said again.

I smirked at him. He glanced at Fuji-senpai again, starting to look a bit respectful despite himself.

I'm actually not sure why these two hate each other. Sure, there was the issue with Tachibana, but even Tachibana's little sister was over that. Heck, _Tachibana _was over that.

...I think. Come to think of it, when was the last time I saw him?

Kirihara sat down next to us. Fuji-senpai pretended not to notice. I started planning my escape.

"I'm a bit thirsty, maybe I should - "

"Don't even think about it," Fuji-senpai said quietly. I heard the threat and stayed put. There went my escape.

Kirihara pulled out his phone and started messing with it.

No one spoke for another ten minutes. For Kirihara that's probably a personal record.

Finally, Fuji-senpai set his laptop down and reached towards the box of stars. He started digging through them again, looking at the labels, and tossing them into sorted piles. I would tell you what he sorts them by but I have no freaking clue.

"I'm hungry," Kirihara said.

"You just got here," I told him.

"Yeah, but I'm hungry."

"Find something to eat."

"Get me something."

"Get it yourself."

"I'm the guest."

"...Kirihara, you all but live here."

Fuji-senpai looked up for a second, curious, but then he shrugged and continued. Kirihara argued for a while longer, lost, and went downstairs to find something to eat.

Fuji looked up again once he was gone. "He's your senior, right? You don't call him senpai?"

"Can't. No respect."

He smirked a bit. "That's there."

Then he went back to humming and sorting stars.

I don't know when I fell asleep, or when Kirihara came back, but I can sort of vaguely remember there being a conversation. I was mostly asleep, so I don't remember it, but I know it happened.

And I know I heard my name in it.

I was woken up fully by the front door slamming shut and my dad shouting Kirihara's name. Fuji-senpai was calmly sitting at his laptop, expression as dark as the devil himself.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

6/11/-

Dear friend,

I'm just going to copy out these text messages because I'm too lazy to write anything on my own and I have to fill up these papers before tomorrow.

Kirihara says: _i dnt trst him. U shldnt trst him ethr, he nvr does anythng unlss he gains frm it_

Atobe says: _While I understand that you think I am, in your words, 'a godforsaken bastard', I have apologized and I don't see why you're still being a child about it._

Fuji-senpai says: _Echizen, enough with the texting._

I looked up then. He was sitting across the room with his laptop open again, drawing constellations on a sheet of rough paper. He made no expression to show that he'd just texted a person literally right across the room.

I shrugged and started to ask Kirihara what the big problem was when my phone pinged again.

Fuji: _I mean it. If you're so bored come and help me. _

I scowled up at him. He didn't even lift his head.

"You don't need my help," I told him.

Phone pinged.

Fuji: _I do._

"For what?"

Ping. _I need some string._

"It's freaking right next to you."

Ping. _Interesting._

Ping._ Interesting that I have string._

Ping._ InterestRing._

"...you're just trying to annoy me, aren't you."

Ping. _Yes._

And his expression never changed at all.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

9/11/-

Dear friend,

I did not expect Atobe to turn up unannounced. Fuji-senpai didn't expect Atobe to turn up at all. Neither of my parents were home – they've come to trust Fuji-senpai with me the way they trust Kirihara or Yukimura-senpai.

When Atobe turned up I shut the door in his face and tried to leave it at that.

Of course it wasn't so easy. He kept knocking, and knocking, and knocking, and Fuji-senpai came downstairs wondering what the heck was happening (he thought I was dealing with a criminal of sorts) and finally I had to open to door to ask -

"What the hell do you want?"

Fuji-senpai looked startled. "...Atobe?"

Atobe nodded at Fuji, and then turned to me. "As much as I'd like to say I came to see you, I have, for once, come on official business." He handed me an important looking envelope. "This is for your father."

Unfortunately, this was a valid possibility. Atobe's dad used to be my dad's sponsor, and now that he's retired they still do some sort of business together. They're pretty good friends. That's why me and Ryoga even got to know Atobe.

I took the envelope. "Oyaji isn't home."

Atobe looked a bit put off. "I have to meet him personally," he frowned. "Very well, I'll stay till he returns." He stared hard at me. "Are you planning to leave me here on the doorstep?"

"Yeah, that's the plan."

Fuji-senpai watched us both curiously. "This seems to be a common occurrence," he said, like he wasn't sure if he should be amused or kick Atobe off the property.

Atobe sighed dramatically. "Unfortunately it is." He held up his (ridiculously expensive) phone and waved it in my face. "Will you let me in, or do I need to call your father?"

I scowled and let him in, and was about to let myself out. If he was going to be in the house, then I was sure as hell leaving.

Fuji-senpai caught me by the elbow. "And where are you going?"

"...out?"

He frowned. He was probably _really_ confused at this point, but he really liked my mom. And my mom had told him -

"I'm not supposed to let you outside."

I sighed and followed him back inside.

Atobe was seated on the sofa, looking uncomfortable despite himself. He looked out of place in our house, even though he'd been here often. Kirihara sort of merges in with all of us. He looks like he's a part of the family. Atobe has never managed to in all these years.

Fuji-senpai sat across from him, still watching us curiously.

I started up the stairs.

"Do you ever get tired of running away?" Atobe asked calmly.

"From you? No way," I told him.

"You're being ridiculous."

"Yeah," I said, continuing up the stairs.

"You _know _I don't blame you," he called.

I stopped and turned back to look at him.

He actually looked irritated, the bastard."You know I don't blame you for anything, so _why?"_

The worst thing is that it _is _childish. It is ridiculous. And I _know _that.

I was staring to get angry, the way I always did when I saw him. That wasn't good at all. I couldn't risk flipping out in front of either of them – especially not in front of Fuji-senpai.

"_If you'd accept you'd never beat him, he wouldn't have died."_

It hadn't been that that struck me the hardest, because that was wrong. Atobe didn't get that. My brother didn't die because I wanted a match.

He died because I just wanted to see him.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

10/11/-

Dear friend,

Hello.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I'm not really in the mood for this. The psychiatrist can kill herself.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

11/11/-

Dear friend,

I think I mentioned the talent show?

Kirihara has finally got over the fact that Yukimura-senpai plays the piano, so he sits in on his practices like some crazy fangirl. I stay with him sometimes, but mostly I wander around on my own. Kirihara's fangirl moments are best avoided.

Kintarou is going to join Kikumaru-senpai's gymnastics routine thing. I only just thought this today when I looked at them, but the two of them could pass for siblings. Maybe they actually are. That would explain a lot.

I spend most of my time in the auditorium. It's nice because a different group practices there everyday, so I don't get bored. That is, when I bother watching. I usually just sleep until Fuji-senpai or Kirihara turn up, then I go home.

If you haven't realized yet, I'm not participating. I can't actually go on stage and demonstrate how Karupin rolls on her back. Extra credit be damned.

Both Fuji-senpai and Kirihara were running late yesterday, so I ended up staying at school until about seven. I spent that time sleeping, and reading Tezuka-buchou's email. I wondered what he'd do if he was here for a talent show. Then I remembered that Fuji-senpai had once said that he could sing, and realized that not even stone-faced-Tezuka-buchou was as hopeless on stage as I was.

If that wasn't tragic, nothing was.

Fuji-senpai came in then, through the back entrance. He saw where I was and waved, coming to sit next to me.

Right, I didn't mention what he's a part of. He's acting in a play. As the prince. As far as I remember, every year, through middle school and high school, someone casts Fuji-senpai as the prince in something or the other. He doesn't mind at all. I think he loves it.

It does suit him.

We sat there for a while, watching the dances on stage. Me, because I was too lazy to walk home, and Fuji-senpai because he was genuinely interested.

We left about half an hour after that.

I write a lot more these days, don't I?

It was dark outside. Fuji-senpai kept humming as we walked, and looking at the stars. Ryoga's project really excites him. He says it's every person's dream.

When we were about half way home, he said, "You know my younger brother hates me?"

"...um." I didn't want to offend him, but it's kind of hard to miss. It's possible that Yuuta secretly cares for him and all that, but anyone can tell that he can't stand being around Fuji-senpai.

"There's an expression he always makes when he's thinking about it," he said, smiling a bit bitterly. "When he's thinking, _I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. Forget good enough, I'm not good at all._ Most people don't see it, but I'm his brother." He frowned. "I couldn't miss it if I tried."

It wasn't like him to talk about personal things. I was reminded of that day on the roof, when out of nowhere he told me that Tezuka-buchou had broken up with him. And the day when he walked out of the house after seeing that he'd sent me a letter.

He talked about his own problems rarely, almost never.

"That's why I can tell what you're thinking," he said at last, looking straight at me.

"...what?"

"Back in middle school it made sense. Out of nowhere you...I don't know what happened, but you had to stop playing. It made sense that you'd feel bad about that. But even now?"

I was starting to get totally weirded out. "Fuji-senpai, I don't get what you're saying."

Fuji-senpai stopped, turning towards me fully. I stopped too.

"This talent show business bothers you, doesn't it?" he asked slowly. "Although you don't want to admit it."

"Well, yeah. If I got credit for this I could slack off in my art classes."

Fuji smiled a bit. "That's there. Also, you were suspicious when I wanted to be friends with you, because you couldn't understand why, right?"

I was starting to panic a little. I don't know why. But Fuji-senpai was starting to sound exactly like my psychiatrist, with all the weird questions that you don't want to agree or disagree with.

"...what are you trying to say?" I think I sounded rude, or panicky.

He smiled like nothing had happened and kept walking. I scowled at him and followed.

When we reached my house, he stopped at the gate. "It's late already," he said. "I don't think I'll come over today."

I shrugged. I'd calmed down a bit on the way home.

Before he left, he leaned down slightly to look at me straight in the eyes. It's annoying that he has to lean down to do that. I've grown at least two inches since middle school.

It was unnerving having him look at me like that, so I moved back a bit.

He laughed softly. "I want you to know that I think you're an incredible person," he said quietly. Then he leaned forward, kissed me on the corner of my mouth, ruffled my hair, and straightened up.

He left before I could get around to freaking out.

\- Echizen Ryoma

(later)

I'm starting to get too attached to him.

This...isn't good.

* * *

**That was just weird.**

**I apologise for the Atobe subplot which was supposed to get somewhere but just keeps messing up.**

**Reviews are appreciated!**


	8. Chapter 8

16/11/-

Dear friend,

I live a cursed life.

Woe is me.

Misery illbegotten.

And what not.

Fuji-senpai finds the whole thing funny. He still comes over everyday, but the first few conversations went sort of like this:

"Echizen, really. You're acting like I killed you."

"...you bloody well could have."

"It wasn't even a proper kiss."

"Like that's an excuse!"

And here we are today, with Fuji-senpai standing on top of the stool, and me handing him things politely like a decent human being, because I can get over such unimportant things.

Honestly, it was the_ I think you're an incredible person _that bothered me more. That's not the kind of thing people say to me._ I think you're an incredibly rude person _is about as close as it gets.

I'm pretty sure he knows that that's what bothered me, because while he jokes about the kiss, he never mentions what he said. For a devil reincarnated, he's surprisingly considerate.

He still acts the same way he always did before that day, except he's more cheerful. It's hard to believe that just about two months ago he was moping so much that even _Kirihara _asked him about it.

...it's hard to believe that two months ago, we barely saw each other at all.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

17/11/-

Dear friend,

Fuji-senpai smiles a lot more these days.

Before you say it, no, I'm not some crazy romantic stalker. To be honest, I didn't even notice. It was Yukimura-senpai who noticed. And we already know that _he's_ a crazy romantic stalker, so all's good.

It's true, though. He's almost as cheerful as he used to be pre-Tezuka-chaos.

Speaking of buchou, I got another letter from him. I guess his computer is down again.

He's coming to Japan this week. Just a visit, he's not coming back for good. He says he'll only stay for a few days, but he'll stop by our school at least once. Kikumaru-senpai, who I ran into at school today, wants us all to meet at Kawamura-senpai's sushi restaurant, but he can't decide if that'll offend Fuji-senpai. Also, he's afraid that _not _meeting up will offend Tezuka-buchou. I'd say offending buchou is safer because he's unlikely to come at you with knives and unnameable weoponry. Actually, it's unlikely he'd be offended at all.

I don't think Fuji-senpai knows about buchou's visit yet. No one wants to tell him.

He still comes over every day without fail to work on Ryoga's project. It's more than half done now, and it looks truly incredible. Kirihara sometimes turns up just to stare at the ceiling in awe. He wasn't around when my brother was around, so it's his first time seeing it.

I can't decide if looking at it makes me feel happy or sad. I feel everything all at once. Somehow, when Fuji-senpai comes over after school, I start mixing his smile up with my brother's in my head, and then I feel okay. Not good, but okay.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

19/11/-

Dear friend,

I don't... feel anything.

I'm staying over at my psychiatrist's house because my parents were getting scared. I don't know why. I don't feel anything at all.

I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm too tired to go crazy.

I really just want to sleep.

I threw the rest of the stars out of the window, like I should have once we brought them back to our house. I think that's what scared my mom, but that was something I should have done a long time ago. I shouldn't have even opened that box.

"_We'll make so bloody many of them,"_ Ryoga would always say. _"We'll make so bloody many of them that we won't need to wait for shooting stars to make wishes."_

What a joke. He bloody well made them, and I sat with him through it all, and look where he ended up.

If Fuji saw what I've done he might have a mild heart attack. Or maybe he wouldn't care at all. Maybe putting the stars up was another big part of his plan.

I don't even feel betrayed.

I don't feel anything. It's so quiet here.

I keep remembering what he said at the end.

"_I did warn you. That day on the rooftop, I did warn you."_

I didn't remember what he was talking about. I searched through these letters to find out, sure that I would have written it down. It turns out I have.

He'd said, _"If you ever fall in love – and I'm sure you will someday - don't trust that person."_

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

21/11/-

Dear friend,

Ryoga never considered himself an Echizen.

That's why he left. He sort of hated us. I think he hated my mom in particular, because it was her that he wasn't related to at all. He was my aunt's son – my dad had adopted him. And that was fine with him until he grew up, but after that it drove him crazy.

My dad always said that he'd get over it. Each time Ryoga stomped away from the dinner table, each time he made my mother cry, my dad would repeat this like a mantra. But Ryoga never did. If anything, he got a hella lot worse.

That's when he decided to leave.

He didn't even visit after that. He met up with my dad sometimes, and he was always around Atobe, but I never saw him. Neither did my mother. Ryoga was careful to make sure of that.

Sometimes, when I think back on it, I can't even remember liking him.

He was always my rival. He was always better than me, and he was the reason I tried so hard. I wanted to beat him one day, even though I knew it was impossible.

Well, _I _thought it was impossible. Atobe didn't think so. Or at least, he pretended not to.

"You're better than your brother could ever be." That's what he'd say, whenever we faced off on the courts. Or when I was sulking in my room refusing to come out because I was annoyed that I'd lost again.

I actually believed him.

After ignoring me for months, Ryoga agreed to play a match against me one day. This was the first time he'd said okay to see me after he left.

I made it to the street courts early and without an umbrella, and it started to rain. It rained like hell that day. There was no way we could have played. I knew that, I could have gone home, but...

I just wanted to see my brother.

I think he knew I was hopeless, because he didn't call me and tell me to go home. I think he knew I wouldn't leave.

I waited there for an hour. Two hours. Three hours.

Ryoga was running late that day. He knew I'd be out there in the rain, and he tried to come as fast as he could.

His bike skidded, he crashed into a truck, and he never turned up.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

22/11/-

Dear friend,

I've never properly told you about my sessions with the psychiatrist.

I sit on the sofa, and she sits in a large armchair in front of me, with a notepad on her knee and a pen in her hand. Then she asks me questions that are a total invasion of privacy.

"Tell me about your brother," is her favourite one.

"He's dead," is my usual reply.

"How are your friends at school?" is her second favourite.

"They're not dead," is my usual reply.

The problem with such women is that they don't give up as easily as my classmates do. I guess being paid for it gives them extra motivation. So she manages to squeeze out what she wants to know some way or the other.

Her new favourite is "Tell me about Fuji Syusuke," and I haven't yet found a good answer to that.

Echizen Ryoma

24/11/-

Dear friend,

Tezuka-buchou came to Japan about five days ago. He should be gone by now. I didn't ask.

I didn't know that he'd be at school that day. I was going up to the roof with Kirihara for lunch. He was telling me about some movie he watched. Or something. I don't remember anymore.

I don't think Fuji-senpai knew either. Just that morning I'd met him in the corridor, and he was smiling and ruffled my hair like he always did.

When Kirihara and I reached the stairs, we heard voices from near the storage room.

"I swear to _God, _Tezuka -"

It was Fuji-senpai, there was no doubt about it. I hadn't heard him sound so angry since that day he and Kirihara beat each other up.

Maybe it was wrong of us to listen in, but I don't think that matters now.

Buchou's voice was quiet, but clear. "You've been leading him on just because - "

"Six years!" Fuji snapped. "You lead me on for _six years!_"

"You can't blame Echizen for that."

"I can't? Really, then who else is responsible?"

I didn't fully understand what was happening, but I was starting to panic. Kirihara's hands tightened around my arm. He was glaring daggers at the storage room door, but he didn't say anything.

Tezuka-buchou was quiet. "It's my fault alone," he said, voice hollow. "Take it out on me."

Fuji exploded. "Enough with the saint act!" he shouted. "You loved him the whole time. _I won't let you have him!"_

Buchou was getting angrier as well. "I _know _he doesn't like me. What you're doing is cruel. He_ already has trust issues, _you're just making things worse, if you don't like him then _leave him alone_ \- "

Kirihara pushed the door open. The shouting stopped abruptly. Buchou looked at us and went absolutely white.

Fuji looked like he didn't know who we were. He was breathing fast, his eyes were livid. He looked almost insane.

"Echizen," buchou said at last.

If anything, Fuji looked angrier.

I don't know much of what happened after that. For once, Kirihara held his temper. Tezuka left quietly, and Kirihara, for some reason, followed him.

Fuji had sat down on one of the boxes in his room, face in his hands. He was shaking – in anger, I think. I don't know.

"Fuji-senpai," I started.

He cut me off. "It's true," he said, voice hoarse.

"What?"

"I didn't like you. I _don't _like you. It's Tezuka who does. I was trying to get close to you to get back at Tezuka."

It all clicked then. In one moment. It made sense. Kirihara had been right, Fuji never did anything that he didn't gain from.

And what did he gain from our friendship? Nothing. In fact he lost a lot more. He was probably constantly irritated, annoyed. He'd told me time and time again back in middle school – I can be infuriating.

I couldn't even feel betrayed, because it made too much sense.

"Okay," I said. It amazed me how calm I was. I think he was surprised too, because he frowned and looked up at me.

"I did warn you," he said. "That day on the rooftop, I did warn you."

I went outside.

"For what it's worth," he called quietly, "I'm sorry."

I shut the door behind me.

I don't know what happened after that. I don't even know how I got home.

The next thing I knew I was throwing paper stars out of Ryoga's window and my dad was shouting worriedly.

-Echizen Ryoma


	9. Chapter 9

26/11/-

Dear friend,

I went to school today for the first time in a week.

Kintarou was the first person I met. After asking me the obligatory questions (what happened, were you sick, oh you were, are you okay now), he told me all about what I'd missed in the past week.

He's my classmate. I don't know if I've mentioned that. We're both in class 1-B.

Then I met Kirihara, who I'd actuallly seen over the week, so it wasn't much of a reunion. I ran into Yukimura-senpai in the stairs, and he patted me on the head and said he was glad that I was okay.

I was never not okay. That's what was so weird about this week. Usually I end up screaming, throwing things across the room, and seeing red. But I was perfectly calm this time. I got rid of the extra junk in Ryoga's room that we never managed to sort out. When Atobe called, I spoke to him like a decent human being instead of biting his head off. I don't feel the hurt that I used to, because I don't feel at all.

My psychiatist doesn't think that's a good thing, but she doesn't even like Ponta, so I think we all know who's opinion counts here.

I deleted Tezuka's emails without reading them. I haven't run into Fuji, and he's careful, so I don't think we'll ever run into each other.

Surprisingly, even Kikumaru-senpai noticed that I was missing. He lamented that I'd messed up his reunion plans, but then admitted that they wouldn't have happened anyway. He looekd sad when he said that, like he finally realized that the Seigaku regulars were too far gone to get together again.

He's a bit slow.

Kirihara still spends his evenings stalking Yukimura-senpai, and I still sit around in the auditorium. It's a good place because Fuji knows that's where I go, so he'll know to stay away.

I go through my classes, sleep in the auditorium, and then go home with Kirihara. Then I play with my cat, if I'm too bored I do my homework, and then I sleep.

That was my old routine. That's what I'll stick to now.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

28/11/-

Dear friend,

I had a normal day today.

The grass is still green, the sky is still blue, and chickens are still born from eggs.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

29/11/-

Dear friend,

Karupin has learned to do a somersault. This is strange because I never taught her that. Even my cat has surpassed me.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

2/12/-

Dear friend,

The sky is no longer blue. The grass is no longer green. I mean, it is, but I can't see it anymore.

It has started to snow.

It's some sort of ritual for the entire school building to run outside for the first snow of the year. This happened in middle school too. If they did this for hail storms we'd have a lot fewer problems to deal with in life.

Kintarou was one of the people who led my class out. I didn't go at first– snow is too cold. I was actually the only one who stayed behind, until Kirihara, somehow guessing that I'd be logical like this, turned up outside my class room and physically dragged me out.

It was cold. Really.

Yukimura-senpai pitied me and handed me a scarf (he's the kind of weird senior who carries around spare scarves), and we stood together and watched everyone make fools of themselves.

I realized that I really don't know anyone here.

Apart from the people I mentioned just now, and Momo-senpai and Kikumaru-senpai, I could only name a handful of people. Then there were a few who I remembered the faces of (the pig-tail girl, the round-glasses-kid, the looks-like-hyotei-but-wasn't-in-hyotei-kid, and so on).

Out of everyone in the school, there were only about four or five people I could actually approach and talk to.

Yukimura-senpai hit me on the head lightly. "What are you thinking about?"

"I'm counting to see how many of these people I know," I told him.

That interested him, and he started counting as well. Needless to say his list was much longer. He kept finding more people behind other people.

It made me feel alone all over again, but differently. I felt alone and _good _about it. Like I was free.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

12/12/-

Dear friend,

When I came out of the psychiatrist's office today, I saw Fuji-senpai across the street.

It's been weeks since we last spoke, and, actually, weeks since I last saw him. It was snowing. We were both bundled up against the cold, but the street wasn't wide, so it was easy to recognize him.

He'd seen me, too. We both froze and stared at each other, because this was entirely unscripted. We'd both been so _careful _to stay out of each other's way.

Neither of us moved for a long while. I could see my breath freezing over in front of me. I was thinking about opening the door and going back inside.

I could see Fuji mouthing something across the street, but I couldn't hear him. I waved a hand near my ear to show him that.

He hesitated for a moment, looking almost scared, and then he crossed the road and joined me on the doorstep.

He's still taller. His hair was a bit wet from the rain, and his smile was nowhere to be seen. He pulled off his hood before talking.

"A psychiatrist," he said, still wide eyed.

I nodded at him. I could tell him that she was a friend, and that I was just visiting, or that I was helping a pregnant lady give birth (for some reason that always works, no matter the situation), but I didn't see a point in lying.

"Is it because of me?" he asked, looking very much disturbed.

I think I smirked a bit. "Don't flatter yourself," I told him.

He didn't smile. There was an awkward pause.

"After my brother," I told him at last. "Apparently I get a bit crazy sometimes."

He frowned deeply, probably feeling guiltier. "You..."

I didn't know what he'd say, but I shook my head. "Don't bother."

He closed his eyes and sighed. His breath ghosted over.

There was nothing he could say that would change anything, and I think Fuji knew that, because he didn't try. It didn't even matter if he really had wanted to be friends and hadn't lied about it.

"To be honest, I liked it better when we didn't have to talk," I told him. "Do we have to talk now?"

He didn't open his eyes. "Not if you don't want to," he said, sounding tired and worn out. Then, "What about the stars?"

"I left what you'd done untouched. I threw away the rest."

He nodded and didn't question me. Then he forced a smile, the way Ryoga would in the mornings. "I'll see you around, then."

No he wouldn't. And I'm sure he agreed.

It's easier for us both if we don't.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

16/11/-

Dear friend,

After all the hype, the talent show is finally over.

To be honest, it wasn't half as interesting as people made it out to be. I actually slept for a fair part of it.

Yukimura-senpai played the piano, as I mentioned before. He was incredible, and he made all his fangirls cry. I think he made Kirihara cry, too, but I'm not fully sure of that.

Kikumaru-senpai, Momo-senpai, and Kintarou were all part of the same gymnastics routine. It was actually impressive.

A bunch of my classmates put up a play, _The Three Little Pigs. _They were laughed off the stage, but they seemed proud anyway.

Fuji's class put up Snow White, but they'd altered the storyline to give the prince a larger role. If I had watched, I would probably say that he played the part beautifully, but I was sleeping.

Kirihara didn't participate in the end. Instead, he sat with me and ate popcorn. I don't know where he got it all from – each time he emptied a box, he'd pull out another from nowhere.

"I love this song," he said, in the middle of a weird, super annoying pop song.

I scowled. "I can't even hear myself think."

"Such poetry," he sighed.

"Poetry? She sang the same line five times! Five!"

He shrugged. "Your generation will never understand the classics."

"...you're barely a year older than me, idiot."

He ignored me and continued stuffing his mouth with popcorn.

When the day was over, we walked home together. Everyone was leaving campus at the same time, so the streets were full. We ended up a few feet behind Fuji and his gang of friends, who were laughing at something that I couldn't hear.

"Do you ever feel like you're inside a giant snow globe?" Kirihara asked, gesturing towards the sky.

I looked up. It was snowing lightly, and it was freezing. The cold seeped through my jacket and scarf. The sky was completely black, and if you turned this way and that, it really did look like we were stuck in a giant dome.

A giant dome that someone shook when they were bored and needed amusement, making us all fall over and crash.

"A giant snow globe," I repeated.

Kirihara nodded. "It does explain earthquakes."

"But then the entire world should have an earthquake at the same time."

He thought for a moment. "Maybe we're all parts of different snow globes," he said. "Maybe each person has their own."

That still didn't make sense, but the image that came with it did. I imagined each person going around with their own personal bubble around them. Every time people tried to move close to each other, the bubbles crashed and made them move apart. And every now and then, a giant hand would reach down, pick one up, and shake it, leaving the person dizzy and messed up just because it could.

It made a weird kind of sense.

Fuji's friends went away one by one, until only he was left. He lives closer to my house. Finally, it was time for Kirihara to leave as well.

Only the two of us were left. Fuji was about twenty feet in front of me. I didn't even think he knew I was there.

Who was I kidding. Fuji sees everyone within a ten mile radius.

When he passed by my gate, he slowed a bit. Then, still facing away from me, he took a hand out of his pocket and raised it in a silent farewell.

Then he kept walking till he turned the corner and disappeared.

\- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

**The end.**

**This story didn't actually go the way I planned, except the end. The middle was a wild, crazy tangent, and I'm sorry about that. **

**Thank you to everyone who followed/favourited/reviewed/read this story, for giving me the motivation to finish it.**

**What did you think of it?**

**It was difficult to try to get everyone's emotions across, because Fuji wasn't in love with Ryoma. And Ryoma wasn't really in love with Fuji. Fuji had twisted his ideas of revenge, and Ryoma had twisted his memories of his brother, and basically everyone was messed up. I'm not sure if I managed to get that across.**

**The epilogue will be from Fuji's point of view.**


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